When hopes shrink: Helping your loved one with depression

Originally published in the Lincoln Tribune, Mar. 25, 2008

This is a question I was once asked at church:

Q: The doctor told my husband there is nothing more they could do. He's gotten depressed and doesn't want to do anything. I don't know how to help him. What should I do?

A: Act with patience and love. Hope can seem to disappear during the dark times, but it renews itself through acts of caring.

When your loved one starts feeling bad, his hopes begin to shrink. Maybe he stops planning a lengthy RV trip and instead only leaves the house for a few dinners out. Then he stops going out at all. Maybe home isn't even an option—maybe he's moved to a nursing facility. The little losses mean less to look forward to, and hope for, each day.

Whether you have cancer, heart failure, kidney disease or nothing at all, our lives all circle the same hopes: we want days without pain, peaceful sleep, and the ability to spend our waking hours the way we choose. Diseases get in the way of those basic needs. As the disease chips away at our daily activities, it can be easy to become depressed. Especially if you hear that most devastating of sentences: "There's nothing more we can do."

I would tell anyone who sees their loved one suffering the same thing I told my church friend that day: Take some time each day to talk to him about his feelings. Your loved one may feel overwhelmed or helpless in the face of his disease. He needs love and compassion. Be patient and listen to what he wants to share with you. He is experiencing many losses right now, especially the loss of control of his life.

Listening to what your loved one has to say—and accepting it—is very important for both people. I have often told my patients and friends that you can't talk someone out of their feelings! But through listening, you can support them in their despair and help them find hope in their grief.

You as the caregiver, too, need patience and love. Hospice social workers are there to comfort both people during a difficult time. Remember, you cannot help your loved one if you don't take care of yourself first.

If you have questions about helping a loved one through a difficult time, please write me! Send your questions to asklinda@pchcv.org. See you next week!